


Silver eyes and cigarettes

by dreadlockholiday



Category: Captain America (Movies), Captain America - All Media Types, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety Attacks, Bisexual Bucky Barnes, First Kiss, Friends to Lovers, Gay Steve Rogers, Implied Top Steve Rogers, M/M, Mild Hurt/Comfort, Oblivious Bucky Barnes, Pining, Post-Serum Steve Rogers, Sam Wilson Is a Good Bro, Smoking, Steve Rogers Needs a Hug, Steve has piercings, Stucky - Freeform, Sweet Bucky Barnes, accidental love confession
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-17
Updated: 2020-03-17
Packaged: 2021-03-01 04:01:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,888
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23188909
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dreadlockholiday/pseuds/dreadlockholiday
Summary: "You love me...?" he whispered half to himself, but Steve heard and winced, feeling like he was about to be condemned."Y-yeah... I'm- I'm sorry..."He was met with silence, and when he looked up, Bucky was staring at him, gazing at him with a surprised expression, his cheeks a deep red.He returned his eyes to his feet, his shaking fingers occupied with the hem of his shirt."Y-you... I... I don't have a chance, do I?" he knew he didn't, but he couldn't help but hope, like the idiot he always was, and build vain illusions that were just meant to crush him even more._Or, where Steve never planned on telling Bucky he loves him, but Bucky finds out anyway, and Steve runs.
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers
Comments: 19
Kudos: 202





	Silver eyes and cigarettes

"Thank you." Bucky said to the cashier, a kind smile on his face as he exited the gas station with a plastic bag in hand.

He trotted to the red pickup truck that was parked outside, Steve standing by it and refilling the gas, black beanie tightly covering his ears and little clouds being huffed out of his mouth as he breathed in the cold air.

It was relatively late for it to be still snowing, but it wasn't unusual in this part of the world.

He hopped inside the vehicle and turned the heater on, rubbing his hands together in an attempt to melt the cold out of his fingers.

"Did you buy the cigs?" Steve asked as he joined him inside of the car a few minutes later, starting the engine and driving out into the highway. He sneaked a peak in the plastic bag beside him just to make sure the cigarettes were there, and that Bucky bought the right ones.

"Yeah yeah don't worry, I'm not letting you die." Bucky whined, rolling his eyes and wiggling his fingers in front of the fan "Three days without you smoking were bad enough for me."

"And you're telling _me_!? Jesus... gimme one."

Bucky took one cigarette out of the package and placed it between Steve's lips, before grabbing the lighter and letting the flame light up the tip.

Steve sighed in relief and closed his eyes, finally feeling his lungs being filled, the pleasant sting of the smoke washing away three days of abstinence.

He didn't think he would be able to do it, but he forced himself to stay away from cigarettes during their brief visit at home over the weekend.

His mom didn't know he smoked, and he was still surprised how she hadn't found out yet, since it has been a little over two years since he had started.

"I should plan your funeral in advance for when your mom finds out." Bucky chuckled from the passenger seat, before bringing a chocolate bar to his mouth and taking a bite off it.

Steve laughed loudly and shook his head "And here I thought telling her I'm gay was going to be the hardest confession ever..."

"About that..." Bucky shifted in his seat and sat up to better face Steve "...how the hell did that go? You never told me."

"Well... I told her one day at dinner, but she just shrugged it off and said she already knew."

"Whaaat!?" Bucky's snack fell into his lap as he grasped onto Steve's arm and shook him.

"I know! I was so shocked! And when I asked her how, she said she saw me kissing Danny in the backyard."

"You kissed Danny?! Wait Danny's gay?" Bucky asked with his mouth open wide, his chocolate bar long forgotten in his lap.

"Yep, thanks to me..." Steve proudly smirked to himself, his eyes on the road.

"I guess I missed a lot during that year in LA..." Bucky studied Steve's face, still not believing that while he was in California as an exchange student Steve managed to both come out to his mom and make out with their childhood friend. And he didn't tell him anything.

"Well, if you wanna know it all, we fucked too..." Steve chuckled at Bucky's astonished expression "...multiple times..."

"I can't believe you didn't tell me, I'm your best friend and you didn't tell me you banged Danny..." Bucky shook his head dramatically and looked out of the window, bringing his chocolate bar back to his mouth "...wow Steve wow..."

"Oh come on! We were in high school it was ages ago!"

"Yeah but still! And seriously Steve, Danny? Dude even Dopinder is prettier than him!"

Loud fits of laughter followed, Steve's eyes prickling with tears as he tried to catch his own breath and regain his composure, paying attention to the road.

After that, they drove in silence for a bit, Bucky listening peacefully to the soft rock music playing on the radio, his head leaning against the window and his eyes closed, as he mindlessly hummed the songs with a smile on his face.

He couldn't see Steve staring at him every now and then, his eyes dancing over his beautiful features, the smile on Bucky's face making his heart skip a beat every time he looked at it. Steve preferred it that way.

"What's it like?" Bucky's voice broke the peaceful silence.

"What?" Steve glanced at him for a moment with questioning eyes.

"To have sex with a guy..."

Steve chuckled to himself and took a long drag out of his cigarette, thinking about an appropriate response to that weird question.

"I don't know what I'm supposed to tell you..."

"Oh you know you know..."

"I don't really!" Steve defended himself as Bucky punched his bicep "I mean it feels good of course... to me? It's like sex with girls feels good to you because you like girls... sex with guys feels good to me because I like guys..."

Bucky scoffed and rolled his eyes "C'mon you know what I meant Steve..."

Steve smirked maliciously as he kept his eyes on the road "What did you mean huh? What do you want to know?"

"You know what..." Bucky started blushing and he tried to hide it by turning his head towards the window, but Steve didn't miss the rosy flush that painted his cheeks.

He loved seeing Bucky blush, and so, just to be a little bit selfish, he decided to be a shit and tease him.

"I really don't know what you mean Bucky, you have to tell me."

Bucky groaned and threw his head back, his hands coming up to cover his red face as he cursed himself internally for even starting this conversation.

"How is it to have... you know uh... a dick up your ass..."

Steve chuckled at his victory, watching as Bucky avoided his gaze at every cost "It feels great..." he said honestly "I mean... I don't usually bottom, but the few times I have it was amazing."

"Doesn't it hurt?"

Steve was starting to get suspicious as to why Bucky was so curious about it.

"Not if it's done the right way... why are you so curious eh? You wanna try?" he smirked mischievously at his best friend.

Bucky looked bashfully at his lap, blush high on his cheeks "Dunno... maybe in the future..." he mumbled nervously, playing with the end of his sleeve and swallowing loudly.

"That's pretty gay Buck..."

"I'm not gay I just- I'm just saying I'm pretty sure I'm not straight... and y-you're the first one I wanted to tell so..."

"Oh..." Steve tried to bite back his grin at what he had just heard "...so you're bi?"

"I don't know... I still have to figure it out..."

Steve just nodded and drew his attention back to the road, biting his cheek to keep from smiling at the thought of having a chance to be with Bucky.

Bucky who he had a hopeless crush on since he was 15.

❉ ❉ ❉

"Steve you really gotta stop with those poison sticks..." Sam sighed as he joined Steve outside their dorm.

"And you really gotta stop telling me what to do, you know?" Steve rolled his eyes and brought his cigarette back to his lips, kicking a peddle from their path as they walked towards the cafeteria.

"Yeah I really should... you never listen to me anyway, 'm just here wasting breath for you."

"Wait- you're telling me that if I did what you told me you would shut up? Man you should have said something before... _look_." he dropped his cigarette on the ground and stepped on it, all the while giving Sam a shit eating grin.

"I don't know if I told you this before, but you're an asshole."

Steve just shook his head chuckling and nudged Sam with his elbow "I've learned from the best now haven't I?"

"Dude shut up!" Sam feigned to be pissed, but he as well couldn't hide the grin forming on his face as they both started laughing together.

This is why Steve loved Sam, he could always bring out the bright side out of every situation.

He was the only person Steve referred every secret he had, and he trusted him with his life. Sam had always been there for him, ever since they met in freshman year, and has supported him always, managing to make Steve laugh and smile even in his darkest moments.

But there was something that Sam could never make better–

As Steve's laughter died down and his face dropped, Sam glanced from Steve's now sour face to where he was looking, spotting Bucky in front of the cafeteria standing side by side with a girl, holding her by the waist and whispering something into her ear.

Steve turned his gaze down immediately and made a turn to go back, a deep, bitter frown on his face as he frantically took out another cigarette and lit it up.

Sam followed him, like always, glaring one last time at the couple in front of the café before giving his attention back to Steve. He knew Steve didn't want to be pitied and felt sorry for, so he didn't bring it up.

They walked in silence for a while, Steve filling his lungs with smoke and fiddling nervously with the numerous silver loops in his ears, a nauseous feeling lingering in his stomach as that image replied in his head.

The girl wasn't Bucky's girlfriend.

He was just... like a magnet to them, had them running to him like he was their prey. And Steve couldn't blame them, Bucky was unfairly good-looking and beautiful.

But Bucky didn't want any serious relationships, he just liked to fool around with anyone, finding one person of interest and ghosting them after a week, before repeating the cycle with a new one.

Steve didn't like this side of him... he could never like it when he was the one who wanted to be in the place of one of those girls, and he wanted to be there forever.

"He really can't get enough of that pussy huh..." he mumbled after a while around his cigarette, staring at his feet and trying to swallow down the lump in his throat.

"Steve... I know you're tired of hearing this... but when are you going to tell him?"

Steve chuckled bitterly and shook his head "Who said I will tell him at all?"

Sam rolled his eyes, preparing himself for this argument again "So you're just going to mope like this forever? Steve you've been in love with him for what now, five years? You can't keep doing this to yourself..."

Steve scoffed and glared at Sam, a humorless smirk hanging on his lips "Hate to break it to you bud, but I can... besides, do I ever complain?"

"You just did... Steve... I can see it in your eyes that this is killing you, it's draining you... if you told him at least you would know, and if it doesn't go well you'll move on..."

Steve stopped in his tracks and pinned his gaze to the blue sky, rapidly blinking back the tears forming "I-I won't... I won't move on, that's the problem... if-if I ever lose him I'm not gonna recover Sam... telling him it's not worth it."

Sam sighed sadly and put his hand on Steve's strong shoulder "You're not gonna lose him Steve... he's your best friend, you've known each other since you were born... he cares too much to leave you just like that."

Steve shook his head and avoided Sam's eyes, a tight knot squeezing his chest at the thought of losing the most important person in the world "Sam... what do you expect him to do after I tell him I've been in love with him since we were 15, hm? Get on his knees and tell me it's fine? Everything would change... please just– he would just laugh in my face, I would be just another idiot that fell for him and he purposely ignored..."

"I'm telling you, do something before it's too late and you regret it... or before he finds out himself."

"I swear if you even think about telling him–"

"I'm not gonna tell him anything!" Sam said honestly "But believe me, anyone can see that you're a goner for him... I'm still surprised he hasn't figured it out yet..."

Steve just looked at his feet, pain evident in his eyes as he shook his head one more time, before bringing his cigarette back to his lips and heading quietly towards their dorm.

A sigh escaped Sam's lips as he followed him, his heart aching for his friend "I'm worried about you... I haven't seen you happy in a long time, I just want to see you smile..."

Steve gave Sam a bashful, quick look and the corners of his mouth curved into a soft smile, exposing his white teeth and the black smiley piercing poking just below his lip.

Even though his smile didn't reach his eyes, Sam took it as a small victory, knowing that somehow his words comforted Steve, even if just for a little bit.

❉ ❉ ❉

One thing that Steve had learned over the years, is that it's impossible to pinpoint the exact colour of Bucky's eyes.

And he was so mesmerized every time he looked into them, he felt like he could start writing a book about how beautiful they were and never be able to stop.

Because they were so inconstant, changing texture at the smallest movements of the light, becoming so bright when Bucky smiled and so mysterious when he was deep in thought.

Sometimes they were the clearest blue, crystalline like the water of one of those tropical seas, and Steve swore that if he looked deep and close enough into them, he would have been transported into one of those places, like they were some kind of magic portal.

When it was dark and cloudy outside, Bucky's eyes always turned a darker shade of blue, dangling between a deep, mysterious navy and a shiny sapphire. They could be so piercing and powerful like that, entrancing Steve into a dangerous hypnosis, and he swore they could hold him in such a tight grasp that sometimes he forgot how to breathe.

Today, the young morning light seeping through the windows of the cafeteria and gently laying its veils over Bucky's perfect face made his eyes look like diamonds. There was an unusual, quirky sparkle in them as he talked and talked, but Steve couldn't grasp onto any of his words. His senses could only focus on those clear irises, shining like silver between splitters of blue and green.

Steve couldn't believe something so beautiful could even exist.

He wanted to sketch them, to paint them, but he was aware that even if he tried his hardest, spent hours and hours hunched over the sketchbook trying to transfer that beauty on paper, he wouldn't get even close to the perfection they carried.

It would never be enough, because something like that can be witnessed only by seeing it in person, and only that way be admired, worshipped, deified.

Because Steve knew that no matter how many times he tried, the image on the paper could never picture the pure, bright life in those eyes.

Bucky Barnes was one and only, he gave Steve life with his own, destroying him and saving him at the same time, keeping him tight in the vice grip of those ever changing pools of wonder.

"Steve!" Bucky's loud shout and a hand being slapped on the wooden table made him jump back into reality.

He glanced around himself for a second, regaining his senses, before furrowing his brows and looking back at an annoyed Bucky "What?" he grumbled.

"Where the hell was your mind again Rogers?" Bucky quirked a curious eyebrow, but Steve didn't miss a hint of worry in his expression.

"Nothin' I... I just zoned out..." his gaze dropped bashfully onto his now cold cup of coffee, his cheeks tinting the slightest pink "Sorry..."

"Steve..." Bucky's tone was serious, a concerned weight now aggravating his voice "...what's going on? You've been... off... lately..."

Having Bucky worry was something unacceptable, Steve had to wash away every bit of concern from his expression, to comfort him and assure him that everything was fine, perfectly fine. This time though, he couldn't seem to find the force to do it, to regain his composure and put on a fake but convincing smile.

"No I'm okay." he smiled softly, but his facade was crumbling slowly, everyday more and more "I guess I'm just a bit tired..."

"Jesus Steve... I've known you your whole life, I know that when you're tired you don't get like this..." Steve's breath stopped when Bucky placed his warm, soft hand on Steve's arm "I can see that something's bothering you Stevie."

 _Stevie_.

He shook his head repeatedly and blinked slowly "No I... I'm fine it's nothing, I-I... there's nothing..." but it sounded more like a question, and Steve knew how well Bucky could read him.

Bucky wasn't getting any of it, and Steve felt like a rabbit trapped in his hole, his palms starting to sweat as he just wished for the ground to open and swallow him.

He didn't know how to get out of this situation, his usual facade wasn't working and he couldn't just tell Bucky the truth, that he was thinking about him.

"Steve I'm your best friend... we used to tell each other everything... did... did I do something?" he said with pleading eyes, and Steve felt himself swoon as he saw how much Bucky cared about him.

"No no Bucky no... you didn't do anything... and I'm okay, everything's fine..."

Bucky rolled his eyes in annoyance. Steve was stubborn and selfless like no one else, but he was going to break his shell and find out what was happening.

"Is it something with your mom? Is someone bothering you Stevie, hm? Please tell me, you haven't been yourself lately..." the small rubs on Steve's arm were far too distracting, but he never wanted them to stop.

As Steve shook his head in response, Bucky tried again, relentless to get the truth out of Steve "Do you have any problems with studying? I can help you if you want..."

"No it's fine, that's the last of my concerns actually..."

"So there are some concerns..." Bucky smirked as Steve tricked himself into giving out some of the truth.

Steve mentally face palmed himself and sighed, looking down again and feeling his anxiety quickly taking over him. He wanted to run away, to disappear completely and forget everything. He wanted to delete his feelings for Bucky, while at the same time never stop loving him.

"What's keeping you up at night hm? Is it some guy?"

There it is.

Steve's eyes widened alarmingly and he felt all the blood in his body rush towards his face.

"N-no! No it's not- there's uh... no one..."

Bucky chuckled and shook his head in despair "Yeah sure, you sound really convincing pal... look, you're blushing like a little girl."

Steve blushed even more, and he leaned back in his seat, hiding his face behind his hands and cursing himself for being so stupid, for giving himself out.

"There's no guy Buck, I'm telling you I'm fine, okay?"

"C'mon Stevie! Tell me tell me tell me! Is he cute? What's his name– do I know him?! Please tell meee!"

Too many questions, and Steve felt a bit dizzy all of a sudden, his ears itching from the blush, and it was all becoming too much.

No no no, he couldn't break just like this. He couldn't stand this.

His anxiety was getting to him too quickly, and he felt close to hyperventilating as Bucky pressured him with questions, questions that he couldn't answer without ruining everything.

Bucky was probably giving his signature puppy eyes, so he promptly avoided his gaze, looking anywhere but at him while fiddling nervously with the piercings on his ear.

"Buck-"

"Come on Steeeven! I promise I won't tell anyone! Oh God you have a crush and didn't even tell me? Please-"

Steve snapped and shot out of his seat, and he almost ran out of the café, wanting nothing but to escape.

Tears were prickling at the corners of his eyes and something heavy was pressing over his chest and throat, choking him on his own breath.

He could faintly make out his name be called over the sound of blood rushing in his ears, but he had to run away. He was the rabbit and Bucky was the hunter, trapping him in his own hole, dark and claustrophobic.

He was just out of the cafeteria when he felt himself being spinned around, now face to face with a panicked Bucky, holding him in place by his arms.

"Steve please stop– I'm sorry! I'm sorry okay? I didn't mean to pressure you– _fuck_! I shouldn't have sorry Steve– I'll shut up okay?" the desperation in his eyes was unsettling, regret and guilt aggravating his breathy voice.

Steve nodded minutely and glanced down at the ground, and only when he felt Bucky's delicate thumbs brush away the wetness from his cheeks he realised he had been crying.

"I'm sorry Stevie please don't cry... I just– fuck I shouldn't have done that– I'm sorry I upset you..."

"It's okay..." he replied quietly, before a pair of arms wrapped around him, enveloping him in a warm, tight embrace, and suddenly Steve felt everything crumble.

He hugged back tightly and squeezed his eyes, his face buried in Bucky's shoulder, cursing himself for being so emotional and stupid, so weak and dramatic.

"It's okay, you don't have to tell me if you don't want to... I won't pressure you anymore– 'm sorry Stevie..."

He nodded repeatedly as his anxiety subsided slowly, the comfort of being in Bucky's arms calming and sedating him.

Bucky kept murmuring his apologies, still not breaking the hug and wanting to slap himself for hurting his best friend. He hated seeing Steve cry, and now he was the one to cause it.

"I didn't mean to hurt you, I'm so sorry..."

"It's okay..." Steve mumbled before pulling away, giving Bucky a reassuring smile "...you didn't hurt me... I just... I-"

"Hey it's fine..." Bucky gently squeezed his biceps, smiling softly and gazing up at the taller man "...you don't have to tell me anything, 'kay? But if you ever need to talk about it, I'm here. I'll always be here..."

Steve stared at him for a few seconds, knowing that it wasn't true, that it wouldn't be true if he told him what was the real problem, the real reason he was being like that.

Knowing that, he couldn't look Bucky in the eyes. He couldn't spend anymore time with him like this, when every little thing Bucky said or did made him blush shamefully, when he could give himself out at any moment, not able to refrain.

"I have to go..." he mumbled and turned on his heels, quickly walking away, taking out another cigarette out of his pocket.

Bucky opened his mouth to say something, feeling guilty, felling like a bad best friend. He let him go.

He just wanted to help.

❉ ❉ ❉

The cappuccino tasted bad. He had palmed his pockets only to find no cigarettes in there. He had lost his favourite ear piercing in the shower. He had had a nosebleed during Modern Art History class.

Long story short, it was a bad day.

And it was just noon. Steve wondered what other shit was in store for him today.

To top it all, Sam was wearing his ugliest shirt, the colour a lime green with olive stripes all over. Steve hated that shirt.

"I hate that shirt..." he said around the donut bite in his mouth "I was hoping you threw it away... _pft_ , fool me, you had the audacity to bring it back and curse my eyes with it... I'm not forgetting this..."

Sam was looking up at him with a fed up, confused expression, glancing at his shirt and then back at Steve "Dude what's wrong with you today? You've been hating everything around you."

"I forgot my cigs..." Sam rolled his eyes "...haven't taken one since yesterday."

"Well fuck you and your cigarettes, my shirt is beautiful!"

"It's ugly, and I told you hundreds of times."

Sam scoffed and shook his head, a malicious smirk forming on his face "Yeah well... you used to like it until Bucky said he hates lime green..."

Steve's jaw dropped in offence, a donut crumble hit Sam's forehead.

" _Woohoo_ , someone's smitten to the point his chromatic judgment changes..." Clint chuckled from beside Sam, reminding them of his presence.

"Wh-" Steve glanced at Sam, anger and betrayal written over his face as he spat through gritted teeth "Sam! Did you tell him something you shouldn't have?"

"Calm your tits Rogers, he didn't do anything." Clint intervened before Sam could get seriously endangered "You're just not very good at hiding your lil crush there."

"What the hell?!" he buried his face in his hands "Who else knows about my personal shit?"

"About your not-so-little crush? Probably Barnes is the only one who doesn't..." Clint remarked with a sassy scoff.

"It better stay that way." Steve warned them, presenting his best scary face as he glared at his two friends.

"We won't tell him anything..." Sam gave Clint a scolding look "...but you should really get your shit together Steve."

"Can you please stop telling me what to do about my life?"

"We ain't lecturing anything pal..." Clint's tone was serious, but his face held a mischievous twist "...just saying that maybe it would turn out better than you think..."

Oh no, not again. Steve's eyes rolled back in his skull "Please, don't start it."

"Look Steve, we're just trying to tell you that letting Bucky know maybe would make it easier... for you at least... you can't hide this forever, he's going to find out from someone else eventually, but you should be the one to tell him... Steve you can't waste anymore time with this, tell him about your feelings for him before it's too late and all chances are..."

Steve sighed and ran his hands through his short hair, tugging at the roots and letting Sam's words turn over and sink in his mind.

"I can't do it... you just don't understand. I can't just tell him I'm love with him Sam, just like that– after five fucking years of..." he trailed off, biting his lip and staring at his lap "I'd rather not lose my best friend than have my pathetic feelings for him returned and satisfied... like that's even possible. He's just... he's Bucky and I... I'm just his best friend, and I will never be anything more..."

After a minute of silence, Steve glanced up at Sam and Clint, expecting their response.

His blood turned to ice as he saw them looking behind him with wide eyes, their expressions frozen and panicked.

 _Oh fuck_. This was not a bad day. This was the worse day of his life.

He had fucked up. Big time.

He suddenly couldn't remember how to breathe.

" _What...?_ " came that sinfully smooth, unmistakable voice from behind him, making his intestines twist and churn.

_"What did you just say?"_

It felt like time had slowed down, his knuckles where white from gripping the edge of the table.

He couldn't see. Everything around him was blurry. He didn't remember seeing something choke him and press needles and pins through his heart, but he was feeling it. A hundred thousand pounds of reality crashing onto him, breaking, snapping, fracturing him.

Steve wasn't one to back away from a challenge, to run away from a problem, to avoid facing reality.

It was either fight or flight, but Steve didn't really have control on anything anymore.

For the first time in his twenty years of life, he chose flight.

No voice called him, no arms stopped him. Steve was out, gone in an instant, and he didn't think about ever coming back.

❉ ❉ ❉

Six hours, forty-five minutes, seven seconds.

Bucky's watch was trembling on his wrist in front of his eyes as he checked the time again.

It was a little after 7pm, and Steve was still nowhere to be seen.

And Bucky... God Bucky was a mess -- and it didn't matter anymore, nothing mattered because he just wanted to find him and tell him that's it's okay, everything will be fine just please -- _please let Steve be okay, please tell me he's safe and that he's doing fine, please let me find him_

They have searched everywhere, looked in any place Steve could possibly go and hide, asked anyone if they have seen him– they've been out for hours and still no Steve.

They called him soon after he stormed out, and Bucky's blood froze when he heard the phone ring on the table where Steve had left it.

They waited for him to come back– Bucky waited and didn't let himself rest. He couldn't sleep, couldn't eat, nothing. The reality of Steve's words was still hard to take in, he couldn't get them out of his mind. And he was worried, he was so scared of Steve doing something stupid.

Sam and Clint decided to quit after a few hours, and told him to wait, that he would come back.

But he just couldn't seem to turn his back to Steve and leave him like that, when he was maybe hurting, or it was already too late–

_No, no no._

He was left with just one choice.

Look for a red pick up truck.

He had held back his tears till now, but as he drove through the streets, finding nothing, no red pickups, no signature black beanie and piercings and cigarette– his panic was starting to overwhelm him minute by minute, and he let himself cry a little.

_No, stop crying, I have to find Steve._

He had to hold back, he couldn't do it now. He had to find Steve first.

The worst thing about looking for something is when you don't know where to start looking for.

Steve could be anywhere now, he could be so close and he didn't see him.

Maybe he was back by now...

Sam's message – _found him yet?–_ broke that weak hope.

God where is he, where is he– _where are you Steve? We need to talk please let me find you._

The old dockyards.

He didn't know how he ended up in this part of town, but there, parked on the side of the road just by the abandoned site, was a red pickup truck. It was Steve's, it was his car with no doubt.

The haste with which he pulled over made him nearly crash against a wall, and he ran and ran– the car was there, it was real. He wasn't imagining anything.

But there was no Steve inside. No Steve around.

The key was still in the ignition, the doors weren't locked.

"Steve?" he looked around himself like a man that lost his mind.

Silence. There was no one, and God he wasn't allowed to roam freely in these places, it was dangerous and abandoned– what if Steve had done something stupid?

The sea was just there, black and hungry and God what if Steve–

Bucky ran, passing the rusty gates and entering the place, his body feeling insignificant compared to the huge cement and metal structures surrounding him.

He looked in every corner, he looked up at the railings, even in the water.

He peeked inside the few abandoned boats that where accessible. There was nothing.

He was the only living soul at the shipyard, his frantic breathing mixed with the sound of the shallow waves splashing against the cement, the sinister creak of the rusty metal surrounding him.

 _I have to find Steve_.

He was beyond scared– he had never been to this place, and it was fucking disorienting, he felt like he was falling into a trap. There could be anything here, anyone that could kill him effortlessly. He could fall down, slip on the wet seaweed, make the old metal crumble–

_I have to find Steve._

The smell of salty, stagnant water was making him sick as he passed by a small building, rounding the corner just to find himself looking out at the open sea. The pier ended here.

_End of the line._

The sun was low, he had no time.

_I have to find Steve._

He looked around himself- at his right, there were several platforms extending over the water– empty and flat, there was no one. To the left, a series of other buildings similar to the one he was standing by, then a metal staircase, leading up.

There was a nauseous smell as he got closer. Blood.

 _It's not blood, it's not Steve's. I have to find Steve_.

The stairs creaked as he stepped on them, but he didn't slow down– he went up and up and up, until he was at the top.

The wind was stronger here on the high pier, ruffling his short hair and biting at his skin.

There was a figure ahead, sitting on the edge of the cold wharf, their legs dangling over the the water.

Black beanie.

Steve oh it's Steve– _Steve Steve Steve_

"Steve..." his legs moved on their own, step after step until he was running, crossing the distance in quick strides "Steve!"

"B-Bucky...?" there was an edge of panic in Steve's voice as he got startled, managing to jump to his feet just in time for Bucky to tackle him in a hug, squeezing tight with his arms.

"Steve what the fuck are you doing here!? Are you fucking crazy... disappearing on us, on _me_ like that, Steve I swear I'm gonna kill you–" _sniffle_ "–have you even got the idea of what went through my mind? I've been looking for you for hours– God Steve what are– Jesus don't ever do this again–"

"Buck–"

"It's okay, it's gonna be fucking okay Steve but you can't run away like this– God I'm so sorry Steve, don't ever do this again okay?"

Steve didn't reply. He wasn't understanding what was happening– Bucky was here out of a sudden, hugging him like his life depended on it.

"Okay...?" Bucky repeated, pulling back and searching Steve's eyes.

Red, puffy and swollen, but Bucky's heart clenched when he saw how _lost_ they were. Steve was looking at him with a deep, pained frown, his expression one of plea to be saved, begging for everything to stop hurting.

" _Why did you find me?"_ Steve finally spoke, quiet and tiny voice, and he suddenly felt so small.

He felt small like he once was, when they were kids, and Bucky would find him in an alley, all blue and red from a fight, and he would scold him with a look, a wild flash of worry and anger would cross those skies that were his eyes, before he took him home, saving him once again– _it's gonna be fine Stevie, I'll take care of you_ – Steve would nod mutely and let him clean his wounds, patch his cuts and heal his heart.

Steve wished it could happen again now. He wanted to be saved again, but this time Bucky couldn't do it. He wouldn't take care of him, wouldn't fix his broken heart.

He was ready to walk himself home for the first time after a fight– a fight that he lost because of his own distraction, a fight that he didn't choose to take part in– and put himself to bed, with no one telling him it was going to be okay, because it simply couldn't be okay anymore, with no one there to fix him, to heal his open wounds.

But Bucky was here– _he cares_ – Bucky came to save him, or maybe to break him even more? To finish him, finish this battle and bury his heart in its cold grave?

"What do you mean why did I find you...? You just– I thought something happened to you for fuck's sake!"

Steve was so pale, he was trembling from exhaustion and it made Bucky's heart clench in his chest. He didn't even know why he had always had these strong feelings of protectiveness towards him... it was just natural.

He gazed at him while Steve looked quietly at the ground. The earlier confession of Steve made its way again through his mind, and _fuck_ – he felt himself blush.

"You don't have anything to say...?" came Steve's question, bashful and broken, and even if he didn't specify, Bucky knew what he was talking about.

There were a thousand questions running through Bucky's mind, a thousand doubts and thoughts that he didn't quite understand, but what first came out of his mouth was a pained "Why didn't you tell me...?"

Steve gave a small shrug and chewed on his lip "I... I couldn't... didn't want to... I didn't want you to go away and leave me..."

"It has been going on for... _five years?_ "

Bucky watched Steve nod minutely, never lifting his gaze from the ground– _he loves me, he... he loves me._

"You love me...?" he whispered half to himself, but Steve heard and winced, feeling like he was about to be condemned.

"Y-yeah... I'm- I'm sorry..."

He was met with silence, and when he looked up, Bucky was staring at him, gazing at him with a surprised expression, his cheeks a deep red.

He returned his eyes to his feet, his shaking fingers occupied with the hem of his shirt.

"Y-you... I... I don't have a chance, do I?" he knew he didn't, but he couldn't help but hope, like the idiot he always was, and build vain illusions that were just meant to crush him even more.

 _You're so naïve Steve_ he told himself.

"I..." Bucky evaluated what to say, what he was feeling. He loved Steve, that's for sure, but he didn't know if it was in a romantic way or just platonic.

The butterflies in his belly were confusing him, and when he looked up at Steve, he was struck with how beautiful Steve's skin looked under the sunset light.

_I want to kiss him_

He shook his head when that thought crossed his mind, the chaos in his head getting bigger and messier, and yet, he could see clearer. Steve loved him, he loved Steve, and there was not much to do about it.

As Bucky kept quiet, the hard reality started to hit Steve, a sharp grip squeezing at his chest and throat.

He had hoped, but it was always like that– _nobody ever loves me anyway._

Bucky saw him swallow and nod repeatedly, before he started drawing back slowly, stumbling a little and going away on uncertain feet.

Bucky reached for his arm and tugged, making him turn back and meet his gaze.

There was not much he could do when he looked up into those eyes, not much he had to know anymore.

His lips met Steve's, hesitantly pressing and lingering there, the warmth and softness of Steve's skin was entrancing.

It was quick, and it ended before it could even start. He looked up at Steve again, savoring his surprise and shock and smiling softly, before he brought him in for a sweet, tight hug.

"Don't go..." he mumbled into Steve's neck, his eyes closed and his lips curved into a smile.

_He loves me. I love him._

It took a moment for Steve to process everything– the kiss, the hug, _don't go...–_ before he wrapped his arms around Bucky's smaller frame and pressed his face into his soft hair.

Bucky felt Steve inhale– _he's smelling me–_ and his grin widened, butterflies wiggling in his belly and his cheeks burning.

He pulled back just enough to look at Steve in the eyes, those blue, sweet eyes.

"I... I don't know what I'm feeling Steve..." he said honestly "...but I know that I feel something for you, and I want to be with you."

The smile that lit up Steve's face made his heart swell and fill with love and happiness– _this is my goal in life_ – and he couldn't help but mirror his action.

Their lips met again, this time in a long and lingering dance, soft and sweet against each other.

"You're an idiot..." Bucky mumbled between soft pecks "...thinking I'm gonna leave you..." he chuckled and kissed Steve's nose, before locking eyes with him and saying truthfully "...you're just stuck with me even more now."

"I wanna be stuck with you forever Bucky..." Steve breathed before searching his lips again, hot and needy and passionate. It was everything, everything he ever wanted and dreamed of.

"Well that's settled then." Bucky managed to say, before being hushed by Steve's lips on his own, savoring the taste of smoke lingering on them, of those cigarettes that Steve was so much addicted to.

And he... he could get addicted to this too.

**Author's Note:**

> This one is weird because it doesn't have a clear plot, but I hope you liked it <3


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